It's me! Ashlee <33

wow, last night was HORRIBLE. horrible. horrible. horrible. 

i invited my boyfriend to my house last night to meet my moms new man that she is talking to. well i thought that the night was going pretty good. but apparently he saw it different. we were watching a movie with my mom and Leonard and i would rub his back, run my fingers through his head, and then i sat on his lap and just rubbed the back of his head and i figured that everything was going ok. well much to my surprise, yeah he saw it different. iwould ask for a kiss ((playing)) and he would tell me that i am "cut off" and he would turn away. so i immediatly knew something was wrong. 

when he left, i tried to kiss him goodbye and he would kiss me back but it wasnt the normal goodbye kisses that he would give me. so i asked him a million times what was wrong. and i wanted to know if i did something wrong and i figured i did but he still wouldnt tell me. so i "gave up" and went ahead and let him go home. when he got home i asked him to let me know when he was there, nothing out of the ordinary. well i didnt get the normal "im home baby" all i got was "im home" and i immediatly knew something really was wrong. 

so i called him and tried to talk to him to figure out what was going on and what made him so upset. well the next thing that was said to me crushed me and made me feel horrible.

He told me that he wanted to end his life and that nobody cares about him and no one ever pays attention to him. well that alone killed me inside that he would even think that. but the next part made me feel worse. i asked him, "why" and "what would push you to want to do suck a thing?" and he said "you".  that devestated me. that honestly made me want to just kill myself.

but after alot of tears and really nothing solved. we hung up and went to sleep.

this morning i called and texted him good morning and he told me taht he wants to explain what he said. and to me taht means the world. he has never wanted to sit ME down to explain somethng he did to me. and that means the world to me. well now i just have to wait until whenever he gets off tonight for him to talk to me. Hopefully he doesnt work late but with my luck right now he probably will be. =\

NO SCHOOL TODAY! =] ahhh the simple things in life that make you happy. well hopefully today will be better then it was yesterday =\.  me and my bf are having problems and they just keep getting worse. i love him with all my heart but sometimes i just feel like we are drifting apart farther and farther. i try to tell him how i feel and shit but sometimes i just think that its not working. fuck. what do i do.

hey everyone. im kinda new at this and would like a little feed back on really what the hell im even supposed to do =] im pretty sure that i got the whole "posting" thing down. but im so used to myspace, this is a huge change for me. lol

well help me out! =]
<3 ashlee